Mentally abused.

So I thought I am only being abused mentally during year 1, but unfortunately am being abused now as well.
I hate people who are being secretive. I mean, I am not kepoci or what. The point is, if you want to tell me something, tell me straightforward. I don't like people hesitate or tell me half way. If you think 'let it be mysterious', then I would say, 'mysterious is so mainstream now, to me its more like annoying'. I'm not interested in anyone's life. But once you 'break the ice', I'll be very concern and I want it to be solved or achieved, or settled. No half way, no bullshits, no unclear stories.
Okay fine, if you wanna tell me unclear stories, go ahead. But don't be mad if I misinterpret ay? I do think I have the rights to think on the possibilities.

ps: I told you to tell her instead of me. I told you she would understands you way way better than me. I told you i'm blur and slow and naive. I warned you before, but you still wanna tell me, half way. And ending it up blaming me for not understand you. My mind is fucked up.

SOMETIMES.

There are people who're born to let others down. It isn't about you being so flaccid and fragile. Its the matter of you being optimistic, and at the same time they're letting you down without any intention.
Because they're born to be like that.

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Down again. My favourite senior is posted to Sarawak. I can't understand why am I so down with that. I am so down, I eat till my emotions are out.
Crazy.

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One day I was thinking, why wouldn't God made me beautiful? With pretty features on the face, perfect shape of the body, flawless skin, and all the other good appearances.
I'm grateful like this. Its just, why i'm not like my other friends (who're pretty)? Then I came out with some possible answers. Wait, i'm not God, where I can come out with answer and all. Its my thought lah, I would say.
So the first one, if I was born to be pretty, I might be a slut. Like, i'm slutting around with guys or girls, perhaps? Yikes!
Second, I might be so proud like a peacock. I know i'm pretty and I want to befriend with pretty people only. No ugly ducklings on my list. Damn, that is soooo meaan! :O

So the conclusion is, if I have perfect and beautiful appearances I won't be me. Like now. Besides, I still think that I have perfect body systems, like most of us have. We still have skin for immune system, we still have nose and mouth to breathe and eat, we still have heart to pump the blood for circulatory system. Not to mention you have all the enzymes and protein inside of our bodies, that small tiny tiny things that made us healthy. Things that we can't see, but play a huge role to us. Appreciate that. God creates that for a reason.

Enough of random mumbles.

Terlalu mengejar title awesome tersebut,
Secara indirectly,
You already caused trouble to some people.
Really, you just have to be considerate,
Empathy,
And not being selfish.

Sayang,
You're already awesome.
Just....
Don't try so hard for it.

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How frustrating,
You love art, but you can do nothing with it.
In other words,
You have no skills in it.
You don't even know how to doodle.
Frustrating indeed.

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Apabila Tuhan uji kau dengan ujian yang boleh tahan besar.
Seperti sesuatu yang menguji kesabaran, sesuatu yang telah pun membuatkan kau mengeluarkan kata-kata sesat.
B*bi. Cib*i. Fu*k. Sia*.
Atas sesuatu perkara yang kecil saja padahal.
Walaupun setakat mendrill gigi sebanyak 0.2mm.

Sah kau sedang diuji.
Diuji oleh Maha Kuasa.

Melihat sejauh mana kau,
berbalik, bertawakal, bergantung, berdoa padaNya.
Lahaulawalakuwwata'illa billahil'aliyyil'azim.
Mengharapkan pertolonganNya dikala kau kesusahan.
Astaghfirullahal'azim.
Minta ampun atas segala dosa yang kau buat.
Dosa yang kau pun tak sedar kau buat.

Iyaa berdoa dan bersangka baik pada Tuhan adalah kuncinya.

Bukan memaki,
Bukan merengek,
Bukan menangis,
Bukan nak bunuh diri, dan
Bukan melepaskan kemarahan kepada orang lain.

Jangan layankan emosi dan nafsu sangat.
Syaiton melompat bahagia tengok kau begitu.
Begitu kejatuhan.
Dan putus asa.
XOXO

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A shallow minded guy asked me this today, "Eh tak bosan ke kelas hari-hari?". I was actually shocked because he asked me kelas hari-hari instead of kelas dari 8-5 hari-hari.
So I proudly said, "Well, this is my life". Then he smirked. I added, "In order to be a dentist, this is what I have to pay". I was trying to be more confident with what i'm doing now and to protect my ego. And I dont wanna looked fragile to him.

You see, I don't wanna look down on him, he's a law, private university student. Of course, he only got what, three to four classes per week? I mean, I feel so sorry for him. A law student who're having a shallow mind. What. A. Shame.
Its so common sense, being a dental student, a future dental surgeon to have a tough campus life. Pfft.
XOXO

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I have something to tell you.
What is it?
But i'm so shyyyyyy.
There's nothing to be shy-ed of. What is it?
Alaa, I am really shy....
Sheesh, you always feel shy of something that is not supposed to be shy of.
Really? Well, I am naturally like that.
So?
(no reply)
You know, you already made me wondering what you're about to tell me just now.
You'll know about it, soon.
How?
I don't know how. But, soon you'll know.
You shouldn't told me that you wanna tell me something.
(no reply)

How frustrating. And mysterious?
Now its disturbing my mind.
XOXO

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I think I have a minor crush on this one particular older guy. Like early forties.
I am getting ridiculous day by day.

Oh by the way, I just realize that I am actually impulsive kinda person. Well that explains why am I so random.
XOXO

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Social Media

I've been wondering why did I followed too many people on Twitter and Instagram. Not Facebook, of course. Despite the fact that I wanna stalk them, I found out actually I need to see and know what happen to the world outside there. Simply saying that, I can't have what they (people I followed) are having. Like, go on a vacation to the most interesting places on Earth, having fun times friends and family, eat good food which in other word is, eat expensive food, bake and cook their favourite dishes, having endlessly shopping, etc.
Did you realize its all materialistic?

Besides, I love to see how others doing with their lives. Kepoh? Nope, I call this curiousity. They have a rack of books, a bunch of cool activities with friends, see greenery, beautiful places, being fashionable effortlessly. What i'm trying to say is, I wish to have that life. Doing things that they love everyday. Gleefully everyday. Beautiful everyday. Am not saying that I don't like my life. And i'm not blaming dentistry to be so tough and busy and having class at 8-5 every single day. No i'm not blaming em. I hope.
I'm grateful with my life. Probably this is the best for me.
XOXO

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Mental Problem

I think I am suffered from a slight mental problem. Which arose from an abrupt low confidence that I 'gained' during the last two years. It was so drastic, it made me shocked. A hell lot of shockness. I am not like this during my Foundation on 2008/2009. I was so fine with myself. Now everything is a mess. My mind works so hard indirectly, it made my neck become a bit of stiffness. My face frowns too much. I lost my excitedness towards bright colours. I am more focused on normal, common, dull colours.

By the way, side track sekejap, I got a bunch of friends who MADE FUN of me during the past two years because I do colour-blocking. You can never imagine how I was struggling to become positive while at the same time, that drastic-low-confidence is attacking. Its hard, believe me. And now I SEE that they are actively trying to do colour-blocking as well. Fuck, how am I supposed to react with that?

Anyway the main point is, I don't ask for this to happen. To me. I know this is a challenge Allah sent me to be strong, and to find the inner side of me. Allah won't send challenges that His servants can't cope. Bear that.
Okay, let's think the bright side of all this. There's hikmah behind all this. Probably after this I'll become more confident than all people in the world and achieve The Most Confident Woman award. Yeah, who knows what will happened in future, right.

World is just getting weirder, and thus people need to keep on being in the right path and work hard to maintain in it.
XOXO

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Hello! After months.

Hi, beloved friends. I want to apologise for not updating my blog. My laptop was having some problems with its chip display. So I've been surfing the net via my smartphone. So, a lot of things happened to me last a few months. I tweeted a lot about it. A lot of insecurities, vulnerabilities, low confidence, all in one. Like usual. To make it short, I passed my second professional exams, and I am a third year dental student now. I am entering clinical situations now, where i'll be handling a real patient. No more dummies. I'm actually kinda excited because, I am officially running towards Malaysian Next Top Dentists LOL! Dude, being a dentist ain't easy. Depression, stresses, tensions are normal. My deputy dean said, "Don't worry, there'll be cryings". Well I bet being any professions ain't that easy either.

I am sure you don't wanna know about my puasa and raya experience. So yeah, we'll skip that.

During my holidays, I started to watch a sinetron (as what Indonesians usually called). It came from a novel to movies to dramas. The title is, Ketika Cinta Bertasbih. I was addicted to it. It really is a good drama, well to me at least. It has a lot of islamic contents in it, which I think we can make them as a role model to us. They really practice what islam taught us to be. That's it. I don't actually know how to 'persuade' you to watch and share what you think about it with me, so yeah I hope you'll watch. Haha.

Till then. Wait by the way, I am now searching for patients who are interested in making a full denture. Usually those who already had none teeth at all on their mouth. Please, your mother/father/grandma/grandpa who can come to UiTM Shah Alam for treatment. He/She must give commitments through out the sessions until the denture is ready to wear. Seven visits or seven appointments that they have to attend. As it will be made by a dental student, thus the procedure is tedious. Not tedious, but detail I would say. Because we're learning ayy? ;p

Wish me luck! :D
XOXO

The Time.

Surah Yunus, Verse 20:
And they (the unbelievers) say: Why is not a sign (mukjizat) sent to him (Muhammad) from his Lord? Say: The unseen is only for Allah; therefore wait-- surely I too, with you am of those who wait.
SubhanAllah.
The time will come, InshaAllah.
The time where we meet our Lord.
The time where we see the Glory of Allah.
The time where Lord will reveal everything.
The time which is called, afterlife.
The time that we want, which is Heaven.
Heaven, the garden full of bliss.
Thus,
We shall just wait for the time.
We shall just obey what Allah asked us to do.
We shall just worship Allah The Almighty.
We shall just give it all to Him.
We shall be patient.
Because Allah is there, waiting for us too.
We shall wait....
Because the time will come.
And thus, we will all understand.
XOXO

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Sesungguhnya watak kau dalam hidup aku begitu bermakna sekali.
Begitu ianya memberikan impak besar dalam hidup aku.
Hati bahagia, hanya Allah boleh describekan untuk kau.
Supaya kau faham.
Itu pun kalau kau nak tahu.

Tapi....
Aku rasa aku macam watak ekstra dalam hidup kau.
Aku rasa kehadiran aku tak memberi apa makna pun dalam hidup kau.
Aku rasa kau tak sebahagia aku, sebagaimana aku bahagia dengan kau.
Aku sumpah, aku rasa macam itu.

Tapi itu apa yang aku rasa.
Apa yang kau rasa?
Fakta atau auta segala apa aku merapik di atas?

Tapi kenapa aku cenderung untuk memikir yang kau tak layan aku,
Yang kau tak balas mesej aku,
Tak balas segala yang aku buat di alam maya di profil kau,
Kerana kau ada masalah?

Kenapa?

Kenapa aku tak fikir kebenaran yang kau ada di sana apabila aku stress?
Yang kau ada di sana menceriakan hidup aku?
Yang kau ada di sana membuat hati aku berbunga?
Yang kau ada di sana memperbetulkan aku yang terserong marah akan takdir?

Kenapa?

mode: INSECURE AGAIN!
XOXO

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Heart aching...
When I see you down.
When you are in trouble.
When you wailed for help in the inside.
Yet no one can help you.
Because none understands you.

So this is the moment when I hope I have the magic power like Edward Cullen. I hope I can read your mind.
Gaaaah damn cheesy! But its true. Hope you'll be fine.
XOXO

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Daurah.

Hello, good people. I'm on my study week for two Professional Exams. Medical subjects and also Dental Material. We only be given twelve days for study week. I don't know, I think its ridiculously insufficient to revise and memorise all topics back from the first semester. But, InshaAllah, there's hikmah behind all these. I know we (the whole) batch can make it through, although I felt there's some inequality happened between the batches. But that's okay. Really okay.
So last few weeks, one of my pious friend asked me to join daurah. What is daurah? It is like usrah. "Beriman sejenak setelah penat buat perkara duniawi", they said. Or rather, I feel like a slumber party for Muslim girls. There're sleepover, snacks, story telling and others. Besides, this daurah to me, the concept is also like the occupydataran thingy. (Well I am not actually sure how occupydataran works by the way. Sorry if i'll be wrong :O)  They do classes to spread words, tell the people to do what is right, do our right as Muslims, or other word in Malay is berdakwah. Remember how Prophet Muhammad s.a.w berdakwah silently in the cave, to only close relatives and trusted friends? Yeah, some sort like that.
So do you remember in Quran, Allah said that, " And when your Lord said to the angels, I am going to place in the earth a khalif, they said: What! wilt Thou place in it such as shall make mischief in it and shed blood, and we celebrate Thy praise and extol Thy holiness? He said: Surely I know what you do not know." [2:30] Okay, I literally just realized the fact that, each human in this world has a responsibility. Responsibility to be a khalif. Doesn't matter if you're not pious. Its the matter of you spread the rights that you knew, to those who're lost, who're wrong.
In daurah they also said, there're two types of Muslims in this world. First, they know islam but they don't understand islam. Eg: A girl went to Islamic school for 10 years but she ended up party, have free sex, alcoholism and such. Second, they don't know islam but they understand islam. Eg: A three years old Muallaf, he might don't know much but he practiced islam in whatever he do because he understood what islam wants. See the different? So these days, many Muslims fall into the first category. Sad, isn't it?
I admit the fact that I am sometimes fell into that category, but I ain't proud of it. Shame of it? Yes! After join daurah, now I truly understand (not literally) and feel whenever they say, "Find islam!", or "Close to the pious people, thus you'll be in the right path", or anything. Anything that people kept on sharing it on Facebook.
I also know that one day in the afterlife, at the Mahsyar Field, family and friends kept blaming each other for not asking each other to bring/remind each other to the righteousness. They (those who'll be going to the hell) will pull you (those who're save from the hell) or beg Allah to bring you along to hell, because you're not asking them to go to the right path with you. Scary? Yes!
So you know how people kept saying, "Find the sweetness of Iman"? Sweetness of Iman is when you automatically feel, you want more from Allah, you need more from Allah, you miss Allah so much you wake up in the middle of the night to do qiyamullail. MashaAllah, yeah like that.
I am still struggling to have those sweetness of iman.
Just do the ibadah, lillahi taala. Do because of you want redha from Allah. Not because you want people to respect you, not to be proud of what you did, not because you want to be praised. Nay! In daurah they also said, "Your ibadah will turn into powder (debu) if you do the ibadah not because of Allah". So it will fade, wasted just like that. I don't know if we did ibadah because of Allah, our ibadah will turn into a stone or something like that? I don't know, wallahu'alam. Only Allah knows.
At daurah, we read Al Mathurat. Truth to be told, that was my second time reading Al Mathurat. (First time during team building. I even slept during the recitation! Pfft.) Other girls read it so fast, so fluent made me went silent and just read whatever they recite. I thought, I want to read together like that too, I want what they have too. So since that, I put into my to-do list after Fajr prayer, I will inshaAllah, read Al Mathurat. Do you know reading Al Mathurat is so fun? It really is though, you should try.
Finally, I am not trying to show off what I got and what I did, but I just want to share with you my experience. I hope after you read this post, you'll somehow change to a better ones. InshaAllah ameen.

Toodles!
XOXO

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Nothing to be read, really.

Since I have Twitter I abandoned blog. So yeah, if you wanna 'follow' me that much (LOL), you can follow me on Twitter. @sitiamanani
Toodles.
XOXO

Minda.

Mindaku pelik. Kadang berfungsi laju, kadang lambat, kadang irrasional, kadang logikal, kadang salah, kadang alim, kadang dan kadang.

Aku bertaubat berkali-kali kepada Tuhan supaya diampunkan perlakuanku yang di luar kawalan minda ini. Iaitu menyalahkan takdir. Di bawah kawalan emosi, minda aku bermonolog dengan amarah, tidak puas hati, mengapa diri ini yang terpilih oleh Tuhan untuk menghadapi komplikasi daripada minda yang sebegini.

"Tidak adil!", kataku. Astaghfirullah.

Aku cemburu. Cemburu dengan rakan yang kuat ingatannya. Yang cepat responnya. Kuat kefokusannya. Aku sering ketinggalan, kelupaan dan hanya mampu fokus hanya 180 minit paling lama. Ya, entri ini semata-mata berkenaan aku yang kesal dan geram dengan fitrah mindaku.

Tapi apakah aku peduli dengan mereka yang tidak berfungsi mindanya? Apakah aku peduli dengan mereka yang gagal untuk berfikir secara rasional kerana menghidapi penyakit mental yang kronik? Apakah aku mengerti apa yang mereka rasa? Apa yang keluarga mereka hadapi? Malu? Sedih?

MashaAllah, betapa besarnya kuasa si pencipta aku, sebegini berjaya mengubah pemikiran aku yang ego. Aku yang kerdil ini madah menyalahkan takdir sahaja. Aku tidak bersyukur akan apa yang penciptanya kurniakan. Tidak pernah berpuas hati dengan apa yang dicapainya. Astaghfirullah.

"Ampunilah diri ini, Ya Allah. Alhamdulillah atas segala nikmat dan musibah yang Engkau berikan. KepadaMu sahaja yang mampu aku berserah dan berdoa."

XOXO

Nani is a big girl now.

LOL, I am sure a grown up girl now. Wedding invitation for me :D

XOXO

I never felt 'this' kind of insecure before. I was so happy back then. I was so wild and young and free. I live my life like YOLO. I didn't bother to think what other people thought about me. I just don't give a shit. But if I do, i'll forget about it very damn easy. And never look back.

But now I changed. Life from good to bad then to not so good. I don't pray for life like this. Allah gave me. He wants me to learn how to feel insecure. How to not always be proud, think about others who failed a lot when I was in glory, IDK if you got what I meant, but yeah that's that.

XOXO

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Oh junior. Don't try to be me. There's none part of me that can be 'idol-ed' of. I am such a mess. I am such a failure. My life....so messed up. I stressed out almost everyweek. I may seems happy at the outside. But inside, what am I thinking, my thoughts, all. Me myself don't understand. I'm lazy, i'm not clever, i'm not the student that the lecturer kept worshipping. I'm the student who rebel on most every thing that the lecturer asked me to do. Thinking that I am so good, but the fact is, very obvious i'm lousy, I got no shame whenever the lecturer got mad at me. Ego, I wanna show the lecturer that I am good, I can bear those, I can be better than whatever they said. But apparently, I am no good. I am having too many failures and I don't ask for more.

You know how people usually say Allah won't give the burden that we can't face? And there will always something/hikmah behind all the stresses that we face? And how human always want to do the best that they can? And they said people will never get enough, as in they will never satisfied with what they have? Well, relate all of that and sum up, that is my problem. That is what making me stress every day. I asked and waited what are the hikmah behind all these burdens? When will I ever feel successes? Do I even got a chance? Until when I will face failures? Or are these failures are actually a sign from Allah for me to quit dentistry? Or all of these are the karmas, that I had done bad to people and now it comes to me back?

Ya Allah, give me obvious answers.

Ya Allah, give me strength.

:'(

So junior, be someone else. Erase me from your mind. I am just a bad influence to you. I am not a good role model.

XOXO

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Community Service.

Somehow, I felt beautiful XD
At Felda Semenchu, Kota Tinggi, Johor.

XOXO

No Subject #8

You know how some people said, some ladies who're wearing tudung labuh owned a very weird and kinda not-good attitude? Compared to people who're free-hair or those who're wearing shawl or fashionable hijab style? And they said, "Harap pakai tudung labuh tapi perangai macam apa baik tak payah. Orang yang tak pakai tudung perangai lagi bagus yak yak yak...".

They have these appearance, they're really particular with their aurat. Which is good and all ladies should practice this since it's wajib. They are very pious and all. They go to surau and Islamic talks a lot, read Islamic articles a lot, listen to Islamic songs a lot. I reckoned they already knew about the basic of what Allah wants and what Allah doesn't want.

So, I don't wanna agree with the above statement until I have a roomate that is very messy. Even after I gave her a warning letter (I yelled at that letter, and then apologise), she still didn't improve though. I don't understand. Who knows living in a room with a messy roomate can make your life miserable the whole time. Even if your own 'site' is not messy, you're still stress facing your roomate's site. My roomate is wearing tudung labuh though, they should know Allah loves cleanliness. What did she had in mind, really?
I don't know whether you understand or not the point that I am trying to convey here but I can't understand what is she trying to achieve :( It's very sad.

And another thing, I just knew that a friend of mine, who also wearing tudung labuh is a selfish kinda person. And stingy. What is that? Allah is very generous. Being generous is good. Very good. It's one of the characteristics of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. Well, she should know this. And yet?

This thing just increased the percentage of me agreeing with the statement above. I mean, pity the other tudung-labuh-ers out there who didn't have these attitude. These people changed my perception of them bit by bit. 

XOXO

Confused.

Imagine: When you have a friend who had done some slacks...

Straight forward: Is it alright to confront her, got angry and tell her the point where you, or should I say, most of the people, do not prefer?

Or

Silent: Is it appropriate to just sit there and keep your mouth shut, look, observe the slacks that she did? Killing you from the inside by seeing your friend did something wrong?

Or

Badmouth: Is it wrong to talk behind her back a lot? Talk what she should do and what she shouldn't do, behind her back. Talk what she had done and what not.

Or

Slowtalk: Is it cheesy to ask what is she trying to do? Why did she do stuffs like that. How did she even think about that. What does she actually feels.

Please, leave any opinion. I am straight forward kinda person. But, it will hurt the other party. And it made me felt insecure because I am afraid if she goes like, "Oh cmon, you're not that angel as well". And at the same time, I felt satisfaction because I said what I should say. So that the other party will understand what I actually felt about 'the slacks' that she did.

Honey, the truth really hurts but it helped you in anyway. So that you can change. I don't know whether being silent is good or not. Because confronting is something that require a lot of courage. Badmouth, well I think it's bad. Really bad. But it is subconcious action. Like you did it without realizing it. It is hard to control. And I think slow talk is the best way, but it require a lot of time because it is slow. Lol.

XOXO

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Attention Seeker.

Instead of you making du'a, or I rather say 'updating your Facebook status' like this, "Ya Allah, kesabaran ku di cabar hari ini. Kau perkuatkan lah diriku ini. Ameen. yada yada yak yak bla bla". You better pray in your daily solah like this, "Ya Allah, ampunilah dosa-dosa yang telah aku lakukan terhadap kawan-kawanku, kau berikanlah aku petunjuk supaya yang mungkar dan yang maaruf itu terang perbezaannya di mata ku, berilah aku hidayah agar aku berubah menjadi insan yang berguna, kau terangilah hatiku agar senang untuk aku terima nasihat dan teguran. Ya Allah kau lah maha agung. Ameen". It is more beneficial, woman.

XOXO

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Sajak.

Kesal dengan perbuatanku.

Kesal dengan perangaimu.

Kesal dengan lakonanmu.

Kesal dengan semua.

Aku sindir seorang sahabat,

Hingga menangis teresak-esak.

Bikin aku rasa meluat,

Rasa marah membuak-buak.

Aku sayang, aku peduli,

Mungkin sedikit garang, agak pembuli,

Tapi malang, ini caraku sejak azali.

Nasihat yang diberi,

Disiakan seluruhnya.

Malah tidak sedar diri,

Terus dihanyut oleh dunia.

*This ia an unfinished sajak. Will be continued in future. I am sucks at language, thus this is the best that I can came out with :) *

XOXO

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All in a day #2

Last weekend on the 10th, after symposium has finished me and Huda planned to go to UM. Because got Battle Of The Band there. Yeap, I went there last year for BOTB as well. But this time, there were less friends joining this event. Some are busy and some don't bother to join I guessed? Idk. We met Adam and Faris. The night where we lepak was nice.

So last year they got TILU. And this year they got OAG, huargh!

And the crowd went mad. Suddenly the battle of the band activity changed to a gig. Free gig yay! OAG performed about 5-6 songs if i'm not mistaken, where they actually supposed to perform just 2 songs. But the crowd kept saying, 'WE WANT MORE, WE WANT MORE'. So yeah.

They were moshing. Like really pushed people like crazy while enjoying the performance. Crowd surfing. I was shocked. Then I asked Huda how come it didn't the same as at Foster The People 'gig'? Why at FTP concert people didn't push about? Then she said, it's Malaysian kinda gig act scene. I was like -.-" really? #noob

At first when I joined the crowd, I was jumping, enjoying like I did at FTP concert. Then suddenly I realized I was at UM. The place where there're lights and people who didn't enjoying the performance were observing, judging. Some even looked at us  And then I stopped. I was worried what would they said. #insecurealert Then I just realized only me and Huda who're hijabers and jumping like the guys in the crowd. Other hijabers were just stand on the chair and stood still.

I thought, "OMG this is not nice. People will saw us and there goes fitnah's. People will judged and talked about us". And I still freaked out about how scary the moshing was. So yeah, I left the crowd and enjoying the music from far.

Then I thought why did I do that at FTP. And Huda said because during that time, all the crowd were like us, jumping and don't care about others, they knew they paid for FTP. Plus, at the hall was totally dark, so how awful you jumped, people won't see it and didn't give a shit about you.

Peeps, call me a nerd but I care about 'idk-what's-the-right-word-for-describing-this'.

So that's that. We took a picture with the vocalist, Radhi. The picture at my Facebook. All in all, the random plan was fun. We overnight at the hostel's Musollah. Walked from 12th to Stesyen Universiti at 8 o'clock in the morning. Nice hangout, Huda. High 5! Cut cost, free gig, overnight what else?

PS: My favourite senior won third place for Oral Presentation for symposium. She's awesome! :DD

XOXO

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All in a day.

Heads up: Long post ahead.

On the tenth of March, my faculty held an event called "2nd Dental Symposium". The event where all the final year students get to present their research. It is an annual event. So what is it related to me? Again my friends and I had to do a performance. Last year, I did Zapin. This year, we did Tarian Ngajat. It was a very unique dance. Sarawak tradisional dance. It's new to me, so I wasn't that good. But, ahem, we received a lot of compliments! :D Well, I guessed for dental students to 'divide' time for resting, going to class and practice dancing were a bit amazement to them? I don't know.

So what's my actual point blog about this? Haha. None. Thanks for reading!

Oh wait, now I am free with futsal and dancing, thus I got no other excuse to not study. My dad called yesterday. He asked me to save the scholar money that i'll be received. Because last semester, I used it so blindly with no plans and so happy spending all the money as if my dad is billionaire. And it gives me problem for my next semester. I got no savings, I didn't work, my dad haven't received his salary for that month (idk his boss suddenly gave the salary a bit late last month). So yeah, he's mad. I borrowed my sis's money, Huda's money, I ate bread at night and sometimes for lunch too.

He said this, (translated) "You have to remember that our family isn't like your friends' family. They are all loaded people. Don't follow them to branded stores and branded restaurants. Know our limitations. We're not rich people. I'm not like your friends' father. They worked in the office and received tonnes of money. Those people had their own properties to give to their kids. While me, I have to break my legs to give our family money. I can't walked properly now. So remember okay? You can buy things that you want, eat what you want but just know how to save. Okay, abah sayang Nani" :"| I don't know why am I so careless of thinking about what my dad had to go through. I am so lazy to study, had fun so much, hanging out with friends like there'll be no next time. I am such a bad daughter :(

Anywayyyyyy, my last post was about me going to Kuantan right? So there's a new friend of mine, from other uni said to my friend which studying at the same uni (he's my friend's friend. That's how we got to be friends.) He said that he saw me like a bunch of a typical UITM-ians. Bamm!! A smack on my face! He didn't say 'Hi' to me though. Probably he was shy because i'm with my UITM friends. I really don't know how to respind to this.

For your information, I really hate the typical UITM-ians! The one who have a very shallow minded. And very contained with the Bumiputera status that they had and no effort was put because they will receive any 'hak Bumiputera' in anyway. Which means, idk, maybe they can graduate easily without working so hard or something? Dammit, man. I was so angry back then. Idk how he defines The Typical UITM-ians though. But what I interpreted was like what I had in mind. Pfft, he didn't knew me well anyway.

Huda said I am different when I am with her, when I am with Adam, when I am with JB girlfriends, when I am with UITM friends, when I am with my family. Peeps, I am not faking about okay. I am still me, have the same Nani core, but adapted in a few different situations. I don't want to be awkward all the time. It's tiring.

So, I don't know what to conlude though. People will always judge. They can't run away from judging. First impression isn't always right. But, sometimes it isn't wrong too.

PS: I am a very emo girl. With that, I thank you.

XOXO

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Dental Sports Carnival

It was in Kuantan, Pahang. And last year was in Kelantan. We stayed in UiTM Padang Lalang. The carnival was held in International Islamic University Malaysia, Kuantan. (IIUM) Once we reached IIUM, we were amazed with their architectural design of the faculty (they called it Kulliyah) building. Even their sports complex too! Each one of them had a sense of Islamic design. Like the mosque or Musolla. There were like tonnes of mosque in the campus. And their Dentistry faculty consist of five HUGE buildings. It was so big. And my friend said the lecture halls are like in the hotels. I can believe it though, it must be very comfortable and convenient.

Okay move on to the sports. There were basketball, netball, futsal, volleyball, badminton and table tennis. As you know, I represented my uni for futsal female. And we won Silver. Yaay! Although, we actually target for Gold, sheesh but that's okay. Silver also good what. Hard works (le training) paid off! My uni only won Bronze for basketball, netball, double badminton (M) and 4x100m. While Silver, futsal (F) and volleyball (F). UM, IIUM and USM won a lot.

For futsal, again, I was a substituter for the champs. You know, like when the champs already tired, you have to get in and play. Although during that time I planned to score at least one goal, hoping for miracles, like in the movies. Where you're the one who change everything at the very last minute and suddenly became famous. LOL! But well, I am not good enough to suddenly do miracle things and score a goal and won Gold instead. But I did manage to maintain the scores that our team made during the phase to go the finals and defend the ball from entering our goal. Well at least i'm capable of doing that. Syukran.

I found that volleyball is actually a very fun game. I should try it sometimes.

XOXO

Life nowadays.

Remember I said sometimes I love being busy? Well now I am sooo busy. Busy training futsal, busy studying for tests next week, busy with classes and busy with dancing. I thought it's good to be busy. So that I know that my life actually filled with some activities. If i'm not busy, I don't think i'll be studying like how I study now. Now, as in my hectic time table. I also think I might not been happy like I am now. Because when I kinda have a free time, I tend to over think about the very simple thing and lead me to a depressed life. Somehow, yesterday, I have a very, very bad flu. I reckoned it's because of my packed life and lacked of energy. Thus my immune system is quite low now.

And when I lacked of rest, i'll become easily annoyed with annoying people, with being-fecking-persistence-at-the-wrong-time people, with always-think-he/she-so-damn-good people, yeah those kinds. Sometimes, they're untolerably full with annoyance and made me saying things right in their face. PS: I hate Blackberry's camera sound, because it cannot off and be silence.

Being too busy also made me feels like I hope my house is very near to the campus. So that I know, my mom will do my sweaty laundry, or I can just throw my sweaty sports attire to the machine without puttingin some freaking coins (I don't have to bother to collect and keep the coins!), I also know in the kitchen will always have some foods even if it just some cream crackers. Which you know, your mom will buy them once it has finished. But in reality,

1. You just have to collect coins. And carry a bucket full of dirty clothes from level 5 to level 3 to go to the machine.

2. Or else, you have to hand wash all your clothes.

3. If it'll be a bright sunny day, then you're lucky.

4. If it'll rain, then your clothes take forever to dry.

5. You somehow have to hand wash your baju kurungs.

6. And shawls and tudungs.

7. But then you just realize that your detergent has finished!

8. You have to think, when will you buy the detergent? Do you have enough money?

9. Then you have BUY many foods, because you need energy to live. Plus, futsal consumes energy so much.

10. Your legs hurt and you oughta think, how you'll be able to buy the foods?

11. Because you will walk like a snail.

12. And you realize you ave two tests next week. Then you think, will you be able to finished all the 40++ lectures in a few days?

So honey, this weekend, I will just wanna spend my time in the room, resting and studying. You know, I can choose not to join all these sports and dances thang. But, I thought, my life would be like other nerds student who go to class in morning, go back to hostel in the evening, and have some rests, and studying or watching some K-dramas in the night. Go through that cycle EVERYDAY.

InshaAllah I can go through these life. Nak seribu daya, taknak seribu dalih. If other people can do these, why can't I?

XOXO

One of the random nights.

Just now, I followed a local female celebrity on Twitter. I saw she kinda replies ALL of her fans good night wishes. And before that, she tweeted something about her very first Chanel, which was during she's sixteen. Crazy, right? I mean, Chanel costs thousands and she got it at sixteen. Usually girls at that age would just buy the pirated version one. But not her. Like, whaaaattha??! I bet her family is super rich. So, here I am, that bitch that knows the beauty of sarcasm and I don't know, too outspoken? I tweeted her back lol. I said, "I was using F.O.S bag when I was sixteen. Oh, wait I was actually using recycled bag :O ". Haha! I bet that would give her a smack on the face. Or she read it and left it like that because she thought it was rude and thus didn't reply? Do you think it's rude? Or she probably didn't notice it, so she didn't reply me. Or she maybe didn't even give a shit about it and thought, "Aww pity her". Hmph -.-"

Wow, very lame post.

XOXO

Limited Holiday.

My semester break now officially has finished. Our faculty only gave us a week to 'enjoy' before start to struggle to become a dentist soon, inshaAllah. Of course a week wasn't enough. But at least there are days to spend time with family and friend.

My friends are all having their holiday about a month. They are so lucky, but they are not a future dentist. Well I guess, these are the hard times that I should face.

I haven't check out new Johor Premium Outlets. They said it was good. There are a lot of branded stuffs like Coach and Burberry. Besides, I also haven't check out the new Cotton On store at City Square. I also didn't hangout with Adam this holiday. I also didn't bake, like I used to do at previous holidays. Oh yes, I also didn't learn how Photoscape functions. Grr.

But I am now a bit expert in handling cat. Whoop! I know now how can a person talks to a cat like they talked to a baby.

I went a trip to Malacca with girlfriends. It was good. But not as good as I thought it would be. I expected so high I guess? Besides, people ordering while you're driving is kinda spoiling your happy mood eh? As if you never learn any driving rules. -.-"

I made kueh sago! The one with pink colour and served with white shredded coconut. Niceee. But it turned out lembik than it supposed to be.

You know, actually i'm in the bus. I have motion sickness, I hope I won't vomit.

Thanks for reading.

XOXO

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Dear coach.

As you know I joined futsal last year until now. I entered SAF 2010, Intervarsity 2011 and SAF 2011. But I played only at both SAF's. I gotta admit, I suck at sports. So coach won't pick me as the main player, obviously. But I don't mind, I guess? I once blogged about Intervarsity held at Kelantan. I also talked about this same coach. Because I got issue with him during that game.

Well yesterday he messaged me asking about when will our batch start our second semester. I answered and asked why. Then he said, he wanna plan when to start training as Intervarsity 2012 will be held on 3rd March. Then he told me who's in for the next game. Then I felt someone is left out. He said, a1, b1, a2, b2, c2, d2, a3 and b3 will join. Then I asked, how about c1? Then there started the confusion.

Since I am quite close to c1, I asked c1, does she really wanna play? Then she said yes, she really look forward for this game. And I told coach that she wanna join. And suddenly coach kinda scold me and asked me, "Who are you to speak to her?". And anger filled me because he suddenly start to like, piss me off. Then I said, "I just reconfirmed with her. What the hell", since she's my teammates. I just thought I have the right to know and clear the confusion. Then he said I was being nosy and pissed him off. I was mad back then, I cursed him.

This whole thing made me feel horrible, somehow a bit guilty. Because he's my senior, I shouldn't be rude to him. But as a person-person relationship, I honestly don't know who's to blame, you know?

As I was showered this afternoon, it made me thinking of why not I apologise? To make things back to where it suppose to be. I don't want it to be awkward. I'm going to face him for the next three years, for God's sake. Of course it will be super awkward if I still have this ridiculous crisis.

So I crushed my ego wall and texted him saying sorry. I am worried he won't forgive me. I kinda wait for him to reply my message. Yet he didn't. Its either he still don't wanna think about it, or he's already hated me to the core, or he's ego, or he don't wanna be friends with me anymore. Gosh, this is frustrating. I don't know what to do.

XOXO

Current Addiction.

I signed up Twitter during my study week previously. I influenced by my study group mate actually. She said I can 'update status' as much as I want without people nag of how much I update it. Then, that night as I was browsing through the Market, I saw Twitter apps, then I downloaded it, installed in my phone then now I became addicted. I was so addicted to Twitter until I agreed to Maxis operator to change to postpaid plan. (It's the cheapest anyway)

So this Twitter account supposedly become my so-called private life, where I wanna tweet all my insecure, random, weird, emo and happy thoughts. I wanna follow only celebrities and new friends. Because I found out that I tend to be emotional when I saw some of my friends connected to each other just like that. *snapped fingers* Stupid, I know.

So I need to let this emo feelings out somewhere where they can't read it. But I made a wrong step by following this one guy. Where he tagged one of my friends and there there, kantoi already. But that's okay, they aren't as addicted as I am. They won't get the chance to read my tweets on their timeline, unless they put an effort to stalk me :O

XOXO

Junior #3

Again, reallly? :D

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

Never felt so blessed and appreciated.

Thanks :')

XOXO

No Subject #7

Being overshadowed was funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

MODE: EXAAAAAAAAM
XXOXOXkewewhifhejncodnsklxmpdojopwqh;

Junior #2

I just learn how to print screen. So, here's my made-my-day today.

This is my junior that I told you before :D Syiokk sendiri best gilaa okay.
XOXO

I've made up my mind.

I changed my mind about going to Aussie. I thought about it, and I found out there're loads of cons instead of pros. Yeah I never go out of this country except for Singapore, I never hop on a flight, I never go to any famous island, I never travel to any place with friends before. But I got a lot more reasons not to do it. The biggest reasons are wrong timing and money, thats all. I promise I won't got jealous to my friends who will be going. I hope.

InsyaAllah some other time.

XOXO

No Subject #5

Please, don't compare me with your new awesome friend. I don't like it. Although you didn't do it obviously or purposely, but I just know okay? I can sense that. Me different. Them different. Adore me the way I was, am and will be.

I hate the fact that people changed. But well, I changed too.

PS: INSECURE.
XOXO

You, red Adidas.

"I really miss you, miss you, I said,

Smile at the chance just to see you again,

I really miss you, miss you, I said,

Just look at me now, before I walk away,

You just might miss me, miss me one day,

Yeah, yeah, yeah"

Dedicate this to you. Again, i'm afraid to even make eye contact with you. I'm sorry. Well, all the best to you :)

PS: Foster Fever #3

XOXO

Foster Fever #2

Never knew went to the Foster The People concert can be so addictive. Its like, they left a huge impact to me. As in, I kept listening to FTP songs. Then, open YouTube to watch they performed live. Haha. Was it just me?

XOXO

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Foster Fever.

YES, OF COURSE, WE'LL SEE YOU AT THE SECOND CONCERT!

Well I went to the Foster The People concert. I wish I can describe more about my first experience going to a concert. But I can't (haha) due to some lame reason regarding exam week. Pfft. So here it goes, list of errhmmidk:

1) Foster The People performed freaking awesome!

2) I salute the one who handled the lights during the concert. Great!

3) Riots towards the securities happened. The securities were so strong.

4) Mark Foster danced on the stage. Super cute!

5) Mark and his people were veery energetic during the performance. Exciting!

6) I was amazed by how Mark Foster smiled with satisfaction when the crowds unitedly sang along their songs, especially Pumped Up Kicks.

7) Mark climbed up on the speaker while singing Pumped Up Kicks.

8) I was jumping like a mad lady non-stop. Its like adrenaline rush. It felt gooood X)

9) Mark throw his perspiratory towel into the fishes of crowd.

10) I saw a group of besties fight over a piece of Foster The People song sheet.

11) Some of them got Pontius (drummer) drumsticks.

12) Also there's people who got Mark Foster's mineral water bottle.

13) Everyone who came to the concert was ridiculously fashionable and good looking.

14) Tips: If you wanna go to a concert, you better spend buying the fanatic zone ticket. Believe me, it's kinda worth it.

15) Lastly, for Muslims don't forget to perform your prayers before having some entertainment.


SATISFACTORY XD
XOXO

No Subject #6

There're things that kept bothering me lately.

Money.Broke.Peoplewhosympathytowardsmebecausei'mbroke.

Aussie.Didn'tthinkofhowcrazythisplanwillbe.Scholarshipmoney.Broke.Nohangingout.

Dentalmaterials.competencytest.haven'tfinishcompletedenture.didn'thavetheclearviewofRPD.

Study.Exam.Ifreakedout.

Thanks for reading.

XOXO

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Memo to myself.

PS: This isn't a resolution.

XOXO

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