Thursday, January 7, 2016

Goals.

Another new year resolution is i want to less rolling my eyes to any annoying situations. I want to be kind kind kind.

Like genuinely not feeling annoyed with anything, hence no rolling eyes. The act of rolling eyes are so bitchy. But i do it all the time. Maybe i should decrease it fr 100% to 75%.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Goals.

More to life resolutions actually. I have this dreams. A dream of what kind of woman i wanna be in future (or i am preparing). One of them is, i wanna practice a life principle: when people treat you like crap, give them flowers.

Here's the thing. X didn't care for me like i care for X. So X did 'something' which broke my heart so bad, i cried. And i can foresee that X will forgets about what happened (bcs it didn't matter to X), and X will continue life like nothing had happened. I was so mad and sad, i should be doing the same thing to X lah kan? I should ignore and avoid any communication with X. But what happened just now was, i reply to X's tweet on how not well X is. Because obviously i still care. And instinct telling me to be nice and not to respond/ignore like crap X did to me. Because it's just not the nicest thing to do to people.

So the dilemma is, am i doing the right thing by give X flowers, or am i damaging/suffering myself because i know X will still not realize what had X done to me and there'll be high tendency for X to repeat the same 'something' that broke my heart?

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Death is inevitable part 2.

Remember about the same post, part 1? I Alhamdulillah survived the hike to gunung pulai with not so strong knee. The track is hard, and my knee did twist after 20 minutes of ascending. But i kept on hiking for 3 hours. I though I'd take 5 hours to descend, but i took 3 hours plus plus to descend. So very santai hiking really. But i was very mentally damaged during descending. I still remember what i thought that day. I wanted to quit hiking for good. But when i reached back at the homestay, i thought what was i thinking. I'm sure will still hike. But I'll let my knee rest for a few months lah.

Nevertheless, Alhamdulillah, because Allah still gives me a chance to live and repent and do good and spread love.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

That one bestfriend.

So is this the end of it? From what i see, you pull yourself away from me. Without any reason. Leave me feel like an arse. Waiting, while you forgetting.

This is not a relationship or anything. Its just, friendship. Soulmates, as you may label us. You actually MIA, and don't search for me. If you'd ask, why didn't i search for you? Answer is, i always did, but i always got declined. Then i stop.

It sucks, cos I've waited. And stay optimistic, find all the good values about you that seems to be decreasing. And when your enemy are nice to me, it made me thought, why have they became enemies to you, since they're nice to me, and I'd say you're not.

After all, you've always did this to me, and successfully come back into my life as if nothing had happened. I too, will be cheered to see you, and all of a sudden forgetting what have you done.

Wait, you never know what you've done. Because theoretically, you have done nothing. Literally. Its just me. I'm the one to blame, for what i feel. I overthink, about you. What a waste of my brain cells.

Its my fault, to not keep my heart focus to The One: Allah, hence waiting for you, having feelings towards you, hoping that you'd feel the same, too dependent on human.

My fault, entirely. Shame.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Annoyed

Don't anybody ever play "aku nak kau" shit. Ain't nobody got time for that. I got a hell lot to achieve in my life rather than thinking about that.

I am surprised myself.

After all this while, being at this age, everybody has been talking about relationships this and thats. I, too, participated in this conversation. I mean, who doesn't get excited to know who'll their spouse be?

Until yesterday, a guy came to me and said all these bullshits, like "what will happen if one of our classmates is your future husband?", idk if he's referring to himself or what, but no thank you.

Its the old me (read: the old me whom changed after my last ex-bf which successfully transformed me to a woman who got sick in relationship) again. I thought that woman has long gone, or rather, has long moved on after 5 years. But she definitely still the old-traumatised-woman who didn't look forward into any relationship at all. Rupanya.

Or maybe, I'm changed. Like i am so not looking forward to a relationship 'like this'. 'Like this' means, telling me that he wants me directly to me. Hm so old school, so conventional, so religious, but who cares.

Okay maybe i am overreacting. Maybe the guy was just joking. Which was good, because it actually made me realise that i don't like that. Lol.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Zauj Part 2.

after posting the previous post, i reread my previous previous post. just to let anybody who read that post, the cousin that i have fonded of, has already engaged with a better woman. despite the over-nervous that i felt when i met him, he's definitely not my jodoh lah. i can now stop being all giddy about him.

bye.

Death is inevitable.

as so you guys know, i'm into hiking. i hiked a few hills and mountains. i like being in the jungle, serene and green, away from the city, saturated with unpolluted fresh air. though it's just like walking in the mall for hours, except it's in the jungle, and maybe a bit of ascending, climbing and sliding. i have very little experience, i never hiking and camping. i've done only daypack trips.

so i haven't hike for almost two months now, because i twisted my right knee from the last hike at bukit kutu. i landed wrongly. for your information, when you hike down, you put a lot of pressure to your knees. hence, you have to flex your knees all the time when you hike down. but what i had done, was i locked my right knee straight when i landed at a wrong time. i guess because i was pressured with the team that i went with. they're so fast so good, i got pumped.

to cut the stories of my knee short, i went to see the doctor, and i was asked to rest for three months (at least two months). if my knee still not okay after that period of time, i'll be referred to the orthopaedics specialist to take mri or something.

being an active creature myself, i can't resist to say no when there's any hiking plan ahead. especially when it's affordable and when i think my knee is ready to hike again. i've said no to a few plans within a month though. so, when i think my knee is okay, i signed up to a trip to gunung baling and gunung pulai this 19-20th december. so hyped about to go hike again.

today, when i was performing my zuhur prayer, i was obviously not 100% khusyuk when my mind was thinking about this upcoming trip. i heard the track is challenging. there got rock to climb like bukit tabur. i hiked bukit tabur (east) - the hardest track of tabur as they said, so i can somehow imagine how the track at gunung pulai and gunung baling will be. it's like climbing an 85 degree cliff without rope attached to you. talking about safety huh. it was totally a risk. you need to be smart enough to think about, first: which part of the rock that is stable and strong enough to hold, second: whether or not your hands are strong to carry your body up while you climb, third: the position of your body while you climb - all sorts of stretching to reach and hold on, fourth: to weigh your capabilities - whether you capable enough to do it or not. in conclusion, it's not easy for an amateur like me. but nevertheless, i did bukit tabur, so i guess i can do gunung pulai and baling.

but the question is: can i do it with my fragile knee?

although it has been almost two months i didn't hike, i actually had two incidents where i twisted my knee again: when i was about to get out from the car at a very limited and narrow space, and when i climb up the stairs (two steps at a time). so i'm kinda afraid to start hiking again. because my knee got twisted at the two very simple activities. i cannot imagine how my knee will behave when i'll be hiking again.

what my mind wandered during prayer was, i imagined myself rock climbing at the gunung, then my knee decided to twist again, then i'll be in pain and probably my reflex will let my hands off the grip, and i fall. and god knows how i'll fall. maybe i fall on the damped soil, or on the trees, or on the rocky rocks and my back will get hit with the pointy bark of the trees or my head get banged with the rocks and bleed the hell out, or simply fall off the cliff and go into the gaung and MIA. god knows.

so all these wild imaginations came up to me, then i got scared. what if i die after that? i'm not prepared with any of that. crazy not prepared. but, who is anyway? then i'm panicked, scared to die, thinking about what deeds and sins i've done. no way i can get into heaven with my current deeds. no.

then, i was thinking about how my family feels when i'm dead. i am supposed to be working after i finish studies and help them with anything, as we're not coming from a wealthy one. i was rethinking about going to the trip, ready to burn my rm50 deposit.

after a short time of freaking out, i came back to my senses. i remembered Allah mentioned in the quran, 7:34, when the time of someone's death arrive, not anybody or anything can delay or speed it by even one second. another verse i stumbled in quran, 4:78, wherever you maybe, death will overtake you, even if you're in the towers with strong construction. another one i read, right after i freaked out is from surah al-mu'minun. He explains on how humans are created on verse 12-14. then on the fifteenth verse, He said, "then indeed, after that you are to die".

which made me rationalize of what people keep on saying about how the world is just a stopover, an r&r. because after we died, we definitely be resurrected back on the Day of judgement, as Allah mentioned on the following verse. He'll judge us according to our deeds and sins, and place us whether in heaven or hell, either of it, is the infinity of our afterlife.

so i thought, even if i rethink on going to the trip, if i meant to die on that moment, where if i go, i should be dead by falling off the cliff with twisted knee, then if i decided not to go, i will die on some ways, maybe like i fall in the toilet ke, who knows. because my time has come. it doesn't matter about the age, because death is inevitable. or if i won't fall and die at gunung baling, maybe i will fall and die and different gunung. because maybe Allah recorded (in Luh Mahfuz) that i will die during hiking. only Allah knows how and when i die. wallahu'alam.

hm, so i'll just follow the flow, and leave to Allah on anything. because He knows everything in the heaven and the earth (22:70). at the same time, let us keep praying that we'll have a good ending. and let's keep doing good deeds and go back to the straight path. like in surah al-fatihah, in the verse 6 and 7. "guide us to the straight path. the path of those upon whom You have bestowed favour, not of those who have evoked Your anger or of those who are astray".

after writing all these verses, despite i've calmed down after reciting the quran, after freaking out like a crazy woman about death falling off the cliff, indeed quran is our guide in life. so many things are mentioned in it. so interesting especially if we discovered ourselves that we actually can relate a lot to it, like in this post.

have fun reading the quran, guys.