Annoyed

Don't anybody ever play "aku nak kau" shit. Ain't nobody got time for that. I got a hell lot to achieve in my life rather than thinking about that.

I am surprised myself.

After all this while, being at this age, everybody has been talking about relationships this and thats. I, too, participated in this conversation. I mean, who doesn't get excited to know who'll their spouse be?

Until yesterday, a guy came to me and said all these bullshits, like "what will happen if one of our classmates is your future husband?", idk if he's referring to himself or what, but no thank you.

Its the old me (read: the old me whom changed after my last ex-bf which successfully transformed me to a woman who got sick in relationship) again. I thought that woman has long gone, or rather, has long moved on after 5 years. But she definitely still the old-traumatised-woman who didn't look forward into any relationship at all. Rupanya.

Or maybe, I'm changed. Like i am so not looking forward to a relationship 'like this'. 'Like this' means, telling me that he wants me directly to me. Hm so old school, so conventional, so religious, but who cares.

Okay maybe i am overreacting. Maybe the guy was just joking. Which was good, because it actually made me realise that i don't like that. Lol.

Zauj Part 2.

after posting the previous post, i reread my previous previous post. just to let anybody who read that post, the cousin that i have fonded of, has already engaged with a better woman. despite the over-nervous that i felt when i met him, he's definitely not my jodoh lah. i can now stop being all giddy about him.

bye.

Death is inevitable.

as so you guys know, i'm into hiking. i hiked a few hills and mountains. i like being in the jungle, serene and green, away from the city, saturated with unpolluted fresh air. though it's just like walking in the mall for hours, except it's in the jungle, and maybe a bit of ascending, climbing and sliding. i have very little experience, i never hiking and camping. i've done only daypack trips.

so i haven't hike for almost two months now, because i twisted my right knee from the last hike at bukit kutu. i landed wrongly. for your information, when you hike down, you put a lot of pressure to your knees. hence, you have to flex your knees all the time when you hike down. but what i had done, was i locked my right knee straight when i landed at a wrong time. i guess because i was pressured with the team that i went with. they're so fast so good, i got pumped.

to cut the stories of my knee short, i went to see the doctor, and i was asked to rest for three months (at least two months). if my knee still not okay after that period of time, i'll be referred to the orthopaedics specialist to take mri or something.

being an active creature myself, i can't resist to say no when there's any hiking plan ahead. especially when it's affordable and when i think my knee is ready to hike again. i've said no to a few plans within a month though. so, when i think my knee is okay, i signed up to a trip to gunung baling and gunung pulai this 19-20th december. so hyped about to go hike again.

today, when i was performing my zuhur prayer, i was obviously not 100% khusyuk when my mind was thinking about this upcoming trip. i heard the track is challenging. there got rock to climb like bukit tabur. i hiked bukit tabur (east) - the hardest track of tabur as they said, so i can somehow imagine how the track at gunung pulai and gunung baling will be. it's like climbing an 85 degree cliff without rope attached to you. talking about safety huh. it was totally a risk. you need to be smart enough to think about, first: which part of the rock that is stable and strong enough to hold, second: whether or not your hands are strong to carry your body up while you climb, third: the position of your body while you climb - all sorts of stretching to reach and hold on, fourth: to weigh your capabilities - whether you capable enough to do it or not. in conclusion, it's not easy for an amateur like me. but nevertheless, i did bukit tabur, so i guess i can do gunung pulai and baling.

but the question is: can i do it with my fragile knee?

although it has been almost two months i didn't hike, i actually had two incidents where i twisted my knee again: when i was about to get out from the car at a very limited and narrow space, and when i climb up the stairs (two steps at a time). so i'm kinda afraid to start hiking again. because my knee got twisted at the two very simple activities. i cannot imagine how my knee will behave when i'll be hiking again.

what my mind wandered during prayer was, i imagined myself rock climbing at the gunung, then my knee decided to twist again, then i'll be in pain and probably my reflex will let my hands off the grip, and i fall. and god knows how i'll fall. maybe i fall on the damped soil, or on the trees, or on the rocky rocks and my back will get hit with the pointy bark of the trees or my head get banged with the rocks and bleed the hell out, or simply fall off the cliff and go into the gaung and MIA. god knows.

so all these wild imaginations came up to me, then i got scared. what if i die after that? i'm not prepared with any of that. crazy not prepared. but, who is anyway? then i'm panicked, scared to die, thinking about what deeds and sins i've done. no way i can get into heaven with my current deeds. no.

then, i was thinking about how my family feels when i'm dead. i am supposed to be working after i finish studies and help them with anything, as we're not coming from a wealthy one. i was rethinking about going to the trip, ready to burn my rm50 deposit.

after a short time of freaking out, i came back to my senses. i remembered Allah mentioned in the quran, 7:34, when the time of someone's death arrive, not anybody or anything can delay or speed it by even one second. another verse i stumbled in quran, 4:78, wherever you maybe, death will overtake you, even if you're in the towers with strong construction. another one i read, right after i freaked out is from surah al-mu'minun. He explains on how humans are created on verse 12-14. then on the fifteenth verse, He said, "then indeed, after that you are to die".

which made me rationalize of what people keep on saying about how the world is just a stopover, an r&r. because after we died, we definitely be resurrected back on the Day of judgement, as Allah mentioned on the following verse. He'll judge us according to our deeds and sins, and place us whether in heaven or hell, either of it, is the infinity of our afterlife.

so i thought, even if i rethink on going to the trip, if i meant to die on that moment, where if i go, i should be dead by falling off the cliff with twisted knee, then if i decided not to go, i will die on some ways, maybe like i fall in the toilet ke, who knows. because my time has come. it doesn't matter about the age, because death is inevitable. or if i won't fall and die at gunung baling, maybe i will fall and die and different gunung. because maybe Allah recorded (in Luh Mahfuz) that i will die during hiking. only Allah knows how and when i die. wallahu'alam.

hm, so i'll just follow the flow, and leave to Allah on anything. because He knows everything in the heaven and the earth (22:70). at the same time, let us keep praying that we'll have a good ending. and let's keep doing good deeds and go back to the straight path. like in surah al-fatihah, in the verse 6 and 7. "guide us to the straight path. the path of those upon whom You have bestowed favour, not of those who have evoked Your anger or of those who are astray".

after writing all these verses, despite i've calmed down after reciting the quran, after freaking out like a crazy woman about death falling off the cliff, indeed quran is our guide in life. so many things are mentioned in it. so interesting especially if we discovered ourselves that we actually can relate a lot to it, like in this post.

have fun reading the quran, guys.

Zauj.

"I wanna be that kinda of people when they talk, they only talk good stuffs and beneficial."

Okay that's my muqadimah. So yesterday at kak bieja's wedding, mak teh and 'mak angkat' were so excited to see me when i came and salam them at the entrance. They're super excited and tell each other how i will be mak teh's 'bakal menantu'.

You know who's mak teh? Besides being adam's aunty, she's also an akhawat. Adam knew i am fond of his cousin (mak teh's son), just because i know he's an ikhwah. On the nikah day (the day before yesterday), Adam introduced me to mak teh and told her how i am into usrah that kinda thing too, and she got excited, we talked about it and finally she said, "esok anak makcik ada, nanti boleh lah kenal-kenal". Next day i know, she's over the moon to see me.

And me? Super duper excited, and super nervous like i never feel so nervous about meeting people like this before. (Ok tipu lah, maybe jumpa lecturer yang garang aku ada nervous yang sama)

I came to the wedding as adam's bff since high school. We're like siblings already yknow. Siblings-no limitations-gelak-like-crazy-hilang-ayu kinda closed. So, the cousin was there, if he ever knows that how his mother said about me being 'bakal', it'd be a major turned off for him to see me freely mix around with non-muhrim like that. Its not like we bertepuk tampar and what not, its just we talked non-embarassingly comfortable with each other. (Me, gf, gf's sister, adam, wan)

However, I honestly don't know how to deal with that. Part of me know that it's wrong, and part of me want to be me (nafs?).

If i was the cousin, i wouldn't want my bakal zaujah to be the kinda woman who can easily mingle with non-muhrim like that. As if she has no sensitivity at all about how Allah said non-muhrims can't mingle unless there's a purpose.

So i ended up went home with sadness. Hahaha. Disappointed with myself i guess. But i don't wanna be a hypocrite. That's just me. I am like that, i am easily mingled with the guys (even before ditarbiah lagi). I'm not awkward like that. So this perangai of mine, terbawa-bawa although after ditarbiah. And i gotta admit, this perangai of mine is the most difficult to change. Gotta jihad and fight myself real hard with this one, i believe. But I'm glad, i be myself instead of cover-cover padahal real life tak macam tu pun.

Then i thought again, one shouldn't be judging oneself. Only Allah can judge me. But, first impression plays a helluva big role.

Subuh

Salam after so many months I left here.

Summary of my life: I've failed to complete the freaking clinical requirements and hence i have to extend another semester and inshaallah will be finishing around February and will get posted probably on August.

So currently, I'm having my 2 months plus of semester break. Puasa, raya with family and friends. I can say that this holiday is very destressing, i love it.

But, one thing that i don't like when I'm particularly at home. I solat subuh late. This is not membuka pekung di dada. I want to express and want solutions from readers (if there's any lol) for my problem.

When I'm at home, old habit of lazy to pray and wanting to sleep all day and wake up when the sun already rised up (NOON!) are back. it's annoying. Because when I'm at college, i have schedule. Hence, my life was a bit organized. But when i have no schedule, i slept late, i woke up for subuh late. In fact this morning, i already woke up at 0608, but i decided to woke up at 0630 because iman level is beneath the sea level. But i end up woke up at 0700.

Have you heard of something like you are synonymly been covered with pig's skin when you already conscious for subuh, but you go back to sleep and konon-kononnya to wake up later?

Idk where i heard that, but its so scary. And one more, this one i heard from a lecture. If the same situation happened, but instead of you woke up late for subuh, you woke up the time after subuh and you wanna qada' subuh. And the qada' is not accepted. It'll be accepted when you're totally unconscious the whole subuh.

I hate the fact that i woke up late for subuh. The fact that i took 15 minutes to wake my sisters until they seriously wake up, is more annoying. What happened today is after 6 days of menstruation (read: 6 days of not waking up for subuh). Its okay, i pray that i still have tomorrow for improvement. Ameen.

Nightmare

You know its a nightmare when you woke up worried.

So in  that dream, i was about to leave a cafe. Pushing the glass doors out, and there's a guy sitting at the smoking area with a pair of shades on.

Then he stopped me. So i was standing, and he was sitting. His head exactly straight at my waist area.

Then he stares at my thighs, because in that dream i wore skinny jeans with a top that is not long enough to cover my thighs obviously. While he's staring at it, he slightly pulled the side of my jeans and said, "Hmm ketat", with a psyho voice and look.

SCARY WEH! It happened so fast! About three seconds, i would say?  I know its not scary enough to some of you. But in that dream, i was well of course scared and i felt so mad at him, because how dare he touched me! And the ultimate feeling was, i felt insulted, humiliated. I feel so cheap that he can suka-suka touch me like that.

I don't know whether this nightmare has a message or not. Whether it's a way for Allah to convey me a message or its shaitan. But the contents of the dream, it has value. Value that I can appreciate.

I wear regular-tapered-jeans kinda cut (its 1 mm loose from skinny jeans if you guys can't imagine). But I wanna get rid of it because I know it's so tight that it's not good for me. Not good (read as not covering the aurah well).

When I was on the plane to Jogjakarta, I borrow Een's 'Reclaim Your Heart' by Yasmin Mogahed. Then I stumble upon a paragraph (attached it together here). I know its a message Allah sent me through this book. It hits me so bad, that I decided to leave the regular-tapered jeans I was wearing at the hotel we're about to stay. And buy more skirts or pants that are loosely fit.

So why I wrote this? It's because I want to remember this 'nightmare' (right after I woke up from the dream, I reached my phone and engraving it while it still fresh in my mind). And I hope anybody who reads this (is there anybody who still reading blog posts though?) will take this realization and do something with your aurah too.

Verily, Allah really doesn't like His slave to wear something humiliating. Allah Maha Penyayang. Allah knows this humiliation will happen, that's why He asks us to cover our aurah really well.

I repeat, COVER our aurah, not WRAP it.

Hatred

I don't know. But lately, I hate you.
Gosh Nani, why do you have so many hatred in you?

But as much as husnudzon I want to do, your actions counter it back.

YOU LOOK DOWN AT PEOPLE!

Whyyy?

Not everybody is gifted like you. Not everybody is as lucky as you.

So don't.

Ps: I came across a tweet, it said 'if you have problems with people, it means that you have problems with Allah

So sad isn't it? Like you hate people, and you know you have it because you have problems with your God. *cry*

But I really think she should not do that. And he should not do that to me everytime. *cry*