Zauj.

"I wanna be that kinda of people when they talk, they only talk good stuffs and beneficial."

Okay that's my muqadimah. So yesterday at kak bieja's wedding, mak teh and 'mak angkat' were so excited to see me when i came and salam them at the entrance. They're super excited and tell each other how i will be mak teh's 'bakal menantu'.

You know who's mak teh? Besides being adam's aunty, she's also an akhawat. Adam knew i am fond of his cousin (mak teh's son), just because i know he's an ikhwah. On the nikah day (the day before yesterday), Adam introduced me to mak teh and told her how i am into usrah that kinda thing too, and she got excited, we talked about it and finally she said, "esok anak makcik ada, nanti boleh lah kenal-kenal". Next day i know, she's over the moon to see me.

And me? Super duper excited, and super nervous like i never feel so nervous about meeting people like this before. (Ok tipu lah, maybe jumpa lecturer yang garang aku ada nervous yang sama)

I came to the wedding as adam's bff since high school. We're like siblings already yknow. Siblings-no limitations-gelak-like-crazy-hilang-ayu kinda closed. So, the cousin was there, if he ever knows that how his mother said about me being 'bakal', it'd be a major turned off for him to see me freely mix around with non-muhrim like that. Its not like we bertepuk tampar and what not, its just we talked non-embarassingly comfortable with each other. (Me, gf, gf's sister, adam, wan)

However, I honestly don't know how to deal with that. Part of me know that it's wrong, and part of me want to be me (nafs?).

If i was the cousin, i wouldn't want my bakal zaujah to be the kinda woman who can easily mingle with non-muhrim like that. As if she has no sensitivity at all about how Allah said non-muhrims can't mingle unless there's a purpose.

So i ended up went home with sadness. Hahaha. Disappointed with myself i guess. But i don't wanna be a hypocrite. That's just me. I am like that, i am easily mingled with the guys (even before ditarbiah lagi). I'm not awkward like that. So this perangai of mine, terbawa-bawa although after ditarbiah. And i gotta admit, this perangai of mine is the most difficult to change. Gotta jihad and fight myself real hard with this one, i believe. But I'm glad, i be myself instead of cover-cover padahal real life tak macam tu pun.

Then i thought again, one shouldn't be judging oneself. Only Allah can judge me. But, first impression plays a helluva big role.