Paranoid.

Yes, I am paranoid. Paranoid of what? I am paranoid of failure. I know the fact that everyone will experience their own ups and downs. I can accept mine too. I admit that I failed a lot recently (last semester), and I got insulted once, a real bad one, due to my seriously bad result on last final exam. It was so unexpected and I was freaking embarrassed. This is the reason why am I, so damn paranoid of failing again.

This morning, I had a test on abnormal subjects in Cardiovascular System. Abnormal subjects are Pathology (studies of disease), Microbiology (studies of microorganisms) and Pharmacology (studies of drugs). As I told you earlier, I got a study-group gang, right? Well, every night, we’re having a group discussion on the previous lectures. It’s great, I can understand it well. But, that was just the matter of understanding not memorizing (well, to me). Somehow, there is still something that you have to memorize instead of understanding it. And, for me, it’s quite hard. Why? Because, I am very slow in studying and understanding. Seriously, it’s a really slow one. But, I try so hard to success like everyone else. So, in order to achieve success-ness, I need time, I need non-sleepy mind and I need energy.

And, what happen to me last night, while everyone was busy catching up things that they didn’t understand, memorizing the names of the drugs, studying in a group, drinking cups of coffee to prevent them from sleeping and doing stuffs which help them to prepare before the test tomorrow, I was in the bed, with pathology notes in my hands, sleeping, sleeping and sleeping. Heck, I know I shouldn’t sleep, yet I did try to fight my eyes off and prevent me from sleeping. But, it didn’t go well.

As I woke up this morning, I was super shocked when I saw the morning shines so bright (7.14 am). The test started on 9.00 am. Of course, 7.14 am are bright! And, obviously, I missed the dawn prayer L  Bad me. So, what God gave me in return? I cannot answer today’s test confidently as I did in the previous test. Aku tak boleh jawab! Ada paham? So, serve me right lah kan? I was so tensed up during answering the questions, I felt like I want to scream my lungs out. I kept on doa and hoping that God gave me some evidence or guidance. At last, I gave up on answering Pharmacology questions, because I didn’t memorize one of the drugs at all. Again, serve me right, for sleeping all night. Dammit!

So, the conclusion is, after so long, I never felt this paranoia, until today’s test, and I am afraid if I will fail again, like my other test during last semester. But, I am praying and hoping, I won’t be fail again. Amin!



PS: after so long I didn’t update my blog, it took me almost 3 hours to compose this post.

XOXO