The moment.

A guy and a girl who madly love each other sat on the edge of the cliff in the middle of the serene, silent night in the woods. Sometimes the silence broke by the sounds of the crackling crickets. No conversation made, just the distance warmth felt by the presence of each other sitting side by side.

The perfect moment to say to the girl, "look at the stars, look how they shine for you".
They stargazed, witnessing the beauty of each constellation shines to both of them. I bet the feelings were like flowers blooming so bright in the huge garden behind a flower-lady's backyard. I bet the moment was the best.

Perfect.
Nobody can beat that moment.
Not even a guy came with a surprise in a limousine.

I lost. I'm jealous. So jealous i could cry.

Overthink woman

Why would a guy whom has rejected you based on God knows what's the reason is, still interested in viewing your instastories? Why does he wants? Befriend with me? Or considering me back?

Nafs.

Actually it's not what i want (nafs). I'm a Muslim, I'll follow what Allah told me to, Allah told me to respect, obey and give mercy to our parents. If you achieve redha from your parents, then you'll get redha from Allah too. It's stated in the Quran. Quran is a book/guidance/words of Allah to us, through The Prophet. In the Quran also, stated a lot of times to not follow our nafs.

In my case, i want to get posted away from home. To Perlis or to Sabah. But my parents want me to work near home. At Johor, Melaka or Negeri Sembilan. I remember vividly what was my reaction to their demand. I was mad to be honest, because they were the kind of parents who don't mind and they encourage their children to explore and have an adventure in life. When they demand like that, i was mad. I told my friend about it, and they said, it's you who'll work, not them. I took his advice then.

But somehow deeeeep down in my heart, i know it's wrong, but i don't get it clearly why is it wrong. So i still hold on to his advice. I raised my voice to my parents a lot after i held to his advice.

Then, i thought wtf was i doing? Why am i so derhaka? Am i derhaka or am i just want what i want? I was clueless. Then i opened a few YouTube videos (ustaz nouman ali khan and hadith open mic) on parents, in Islam. He said, Allah told us to pay attention to our parents. In solat, even if you're not khusyuk enough, inshaallah your solat will be accepted. But with your parents, you can't even say "ah" to them. Why do you think Allah forbids us to say so?

Guys, listen to your parent's demands, respect them, give mercy to them as long as it doesn't go against syara'. Do not make a decision that is driven by emotions, nafs. Because when you listen to your parents, there's always hikmah behind it. If you want something that is against your parent's will, sit and discuss nicely. Pray to Allah to soften their heart, to show you and them what decision is the best for you.

Remember that syurga di bawah tapak kaki ibu.  There must be reason why syurga di bawah tapak kaki ibu.

My idol.

As cliché as it sounds, its Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. He is the Messenger of Allah. He is the teacher to his people. He is also the leader of human beings, including all races. He is the bearer of good news. Pembawa berita gembira.

What good news? Good news are the news of what he had been doing 1400 years ago. Tell people to spread peace and love by loving (and believing that) The Only One God, Allah and follow the Prophet's teachings and do good deeds, be nice to people. Allahu akbar.

Indeed, what a role model he is.

Dreams and the world.

What a very confused world this is. Everybody preach about how you should pursue your dreams, aim higher in your life, do something unique, spice up your life a little, no matter how stupid your dreams sounds.

But in reality, you can't because it's impossible eventhough it sounds possible. Just because the world is meant to be like that. And to me, those who pursued their dreams successfully, are just lucky. Not all people will support your effing dreams. Because to them they're just plain stupid and unrealistic.

In reality, not all people support you achieving your dreams.

Me.

I ask stupid questions to brilliant people and i don't know what they genuinely feel about it, because i feel very stupid and i just want to know and i don't know how to ask brilliant questions to them because i just don't know. I'm sorry that I'm stupid like that.

I'm not degrading myself, but i know what i am. And know what i want. I want to befriend and surrounded with brilliant people and i love being surrounded by them but i don't like what my thoughts of them thinking about me made me feel.

You know what i mean? No, of course you don't.

Goals.

Another new year resolution is i want to less rolling my eyes to any annoying situations. I want to be kind kind kind.

Like genuinely not feeling annoyed with anything, hence no rolling eyes. The act of rolling eyes are so bitchy. But i do it all the time. Maybe i should decrease it fr 100% to 75%.

Goals.

More to life resolutions actually. I have this dreams. A dream of what kind of woman i wanna be in future (or i am preparing). One of them is, i wanna practice a life principle: when people treat you like crap, give them flowers.

Here's the thing. X didn't care for me like i care for X. So X did 'something' which broke my heart so bad, i cried. And i can foresee that X will forgets about what happened (bcs it didn't matter to X), and X will continue life like nothing had happened. I was so mad and sad, i should be doing the same thing to X lah kan? I should ignore and avoid any communication with X. But what happened just now was, i reply to X's tweet on how not well X is. Because obviously i still care. And instinct telling me to be nice and not to respond/ignore like crap X did to me. Because it's just not the nicest thing to do to people.

So the dilemma is, am i doing the right thing by give X flowers, or am i damaging/suffering myself because i know X will still not realize what had X done to me and there'll be high tendency for X to repeat the same 'something' that broke my heart?

Death is inevitable part 2.

Remember about the same post, part 1? I Alhamdulillah survived the hike to gunung pulai with not so strong knee. The track is hard, and my knee did twist after 20 minutes of ascending. But i kept on hiking for 3 hours. I though I'd take 5 hours to descend, but i took 3 hours plus plus to descend. So very santai hiking really. But i was very mentally damaged during descending. I still remember what i thought that day. I wanted to quit hiking for good. But when i reached back at the homestay, i thought what was i thinking. I'm sure will still hike. But I'll let my knee rest for a few months lah.

Nevertheless, Alhamdulillah, because Allah still gives me a chance to live and repent and do good and spread love.

That one bestfriend.

So is this the end of it? From what i see, you pull yourself away from me. Without any reason. Leave me feel like an arse. Waiting, while you forgetting.

This is not a relationship or anything. Its just, friendship. Soulmates, as you may label us. You actually MIA, and don't search for me. If you'd ask, why didn't i search for you? Answer is, i always did, but i always got declined. Then i stop.

It sucks, cos I've waited. And stay optimistic, find all the good values about you that seems to be decreasing. And when your enemy are nice to me, it made me thought, why have they became enemies to you, since they're nice to me, and I'd say you're not.

After all, you've always did this to me, and successfully come back into my life as if nothing had happened. I too, will be cheered to see you, and all of a sudden forgetting what have you done.

Wait, you never know what you've done. Because theoretically, you have done nothing. Literally. Its just me. I'm the one to blame, for what i feel. I overthink, about you. What a waste of my brain cells.

Its my fault, to not keep my heart focus to The One: Allah, hence waiting for you, having feelings towards you, hoping that you'd feel the same, too dependent on human.

My fault, entirely. Shame.