Zauj.

"I wanna be that kinda of people when they talk, they only talk good stuffs and beneficial."

Okay that's my muqadimah. So yesterday at kak bieja's wedding, mak teh and 'mak angkat' were so excited to see me when i came and salam them at the entrance. They're super excited and tell each other how i will be mak teh's 'bakal menantu'.

You know who's mak teh? Besides being adam's aunty, she's also an akhawat. Adam knew i am fond of his cousin (mak teh's son), just because i know he's an ikhwah. On the nikah day (the day before yesterday), Adam introduced me to mak teh and told her how i am into usrah that kinda thing too, and she got excited, we talked about it and finally she said, "esok anak makcik ada, nanti boleh lah kenal-kenal". Next day i know, she's over the moon to see me.

And me? Super duper excited, and super nervous like i never feel so nervous about meeting people like this before. (Ok tipu lah, maybe jumpa lecturer yang garang aku ada nervous yang sama)

I came to the wedding as adam's bff since high school. We're like siblings already yknow. Siblings-no limitations-gelak-like-crazy-hilang-ayu kinda closed. So, the cousin was there, if he ever knows that how his mother said about me being 'bakal', it'd be a major turned off for him to see me freely mix around with non-muhrim like that. Its not like we bertepuk tampar and what not, its just we talked non-embarassingly comfortable with each other. (Me, gf, gf's sister, adam, wan)

However, I honestly don't know how to deal with that. Part of me know that it's wrong, and part of me want to be me (nafs?).

If i was the cousin, i wouldn't want my bakal zaujah to be the kinda woman who can easily mingle with non-muhrim like that. As if she has no sensitivity at all about how Allah said non-muhrims can't mingle unless there's a purpose.

So i ended up went home with sadness. Hahaha. Disappointed with myself i guess. But i don't wanna be a hypocrite. That's just me. I am like that, i am easily mingled with the guys (even before ditarbiah lagi). I'm not awkward like that. So this perangai of mine, terbawa-bawa although after ditarbiah. And i gotta admit, this perangai of mine is the most difficult to change. Gotta jihad and fight myself real hard with this one, i believe. But I'm glad, i be myself instead of cover-cover padahal real life tak macam tu pun.

Then i thought again, one shouldn't be judging oneself. Only Allah can judge me. But, first impression plays a helluva big role.

Subuh

Salam after so many months I left here.

Summary of my life: I've failed to complete the freaking clinical requirements and hence i have to extend another semester and inshaallah will be finishing around February and will get posted probably on August.

So currently, I'm having my 2 months plus of semester break. Puasa, raya with family and friends. I can say that this holiday is very destressing, i love it.

But, one thing that i don't like when I'm particularly at home. I solat subuh late. This is not membuka pekung di dada. I want to express and want solutions from readers (if there's any lol) for my problem.

When I'm at home, old habit of lazy to pray and wanting to sleep all day and wake up when the sun already rised up (NOON!) are back. it's annoying. Because when I'm at college, i have schedule. Hence, my life was a bit organized. But when i have no schedule, i slept late, i woke up for subuh late. In fact this morning, i already woke up at 0608, but i decided to woke up at 0630 because iman level is beneath the sea level. But i end up woke up at 0700.

Have you heard of something like you are synonymly been covered with pig's skin when you already conscious for subuh, but you go back to sleep and konon-kononnya to wake up later?

Idk where i heard that, but its so scary. And one more, this one i heard from a lecture. If the same situation happened, but instead of you woke up late for subuh, you woke up the time after subuh and you wanna qada' subuh. And the qada' is not accepted. It'll be accepted when you're totally unconscious the whole subuh.

I hate the fact that i woke up late for subuh. The fact that i took 15 minutes to wake my sisters until they seriously wake up, is more annoying. What happened today is after 6 days of menstruation (read: 6 days of not waking up for subuh). Its okay, i pray that i still have tomorrow for improvement. Ameen.