Futur means lazy and escape from preaching islam. Today in a history after long long time we didn't do usrah, I became more futur and more futur.
And today, while hanging out with some new friends, the guys were smoking e-cigarrette. And I was curious and randomly asked them, for me to try. Surprisingly, they actually taught me how to smoke (but they 'forbid' me to inhale deeply), and I did. There were actually smoke coming out from my mouth. It was a pleasure because it smells so nice, I did it twice, until I came home and muhasabah back what I've done today. And I thought, what is wrong with me? What have I done? I am supposed to be a da'ie. To stop or advice people to stop smoking, but I have joined them instead? Which satan had successfully possessed me? They must be jumping up and down in joyfulness.
They said, futur is not good. But it'll becoming so so so bad, when you enjoy being futur. Like I enjoyed smoking that thing. If my dad knows about this, i'd be doomed.
But I am totally taubat doing that. I really shouldn't do that. I don't want to blame my naqibah for not doing usrah (for some time) because something came up. Because I believe its my fault, to not constantly putting efforts to maintain or increase my level of iman. Since the environment changed, its just so hard to returned back to normal.
And today, I am so sad and dissapointed for what i've done.