Mental Problem

I think I am suffered from a slight mental problem. Which arose from an abrupt low confidence that I 'gained' during the last two years. It was so drastic, it made me shocked. A hell lot of shockness. I am not like this during my Foundation on 2008/2009. I was so fine with myself. Now everything is a mess. My mind works so hard indirectly, it made my neck become a bit of stiffness. My face frowns too much. I lost my excitedness towards bright colours. I am more focused on normal, common, dull colours.

By the way, side track sekejap, I got a bunch of friends who MADE FUN of me during the past two years because I do colour-blocking. You can never imagine how I was struggling to become positive while at the same time, that drastic-low-confidence is attacking. Its hard, believe me. And now I SEE that they are actively trying to do colour-blocking as well. Fuck, how am I supposed to react with that?

Anyway the main point is, I don't ask for this to happen. To me. I know this is a challenge Allah sent me to be strong, and to find the inner side of me. Allah won't send challenges that His servants can't cope. Bear that.
Okay, let's think the bright side of all this. There's hikmah behind all this. Probably after this I'll become more confident than all people in the world and achieve The Most Confident Woman award. Yeah, who knows what will happened in future, right.

World is just getting weirder, and thus people need to keep on being in the right path and work hard to maintain in it.
XOXO

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Hello! After months.

Hi, beloved friends. I want to apologise for not updating my blog. My laptop was having some problems with its chip display. So I've been surfing the net via my smartphone. So, a lot of things happened to me last a few months. I tweeted a lot about it. A lot of insecurities, vulnerabilities, low confidence, all in one. Like usual. To make it short, I passed my second professional exams, and I am a third year dental student now. I am entering clinical situations now, where i'll be handling a real patient. No more dummies. I'm actually kinda excited because, I am officially running towards Malaysian Next Top Dentists LOL! Dude, being a dentist ain't easy. Depression, stresses, tensions are normal. My deputy dean said, "Don't worry, there'll be cryings". Well I bet being any professions ain't that easy either.

I am sure you don't wanna know about my puasa and raya experience. So yeah, we'll skip that.

During my holidays, I started to watch a sinetron (as what Indonesians usually called). It came from a novel to movies to dramas. The title is, Ketika Cinta Bertasbih. I was addicted to it. It really is a good drama, well to me at least. It has a lot of islamic contents in it, which I think we can make them as a role model to us. They really practice what islam taught us to be. That's it. I don't actually know how to 'persuade' you to watch and share what you think about it with me, so yeah I hope you'll watch. Haha.

Till then. Wait by the way, I am now searching for patients who are interested in making a full denture. Usually those who already had none teeth at all on their mouth. Please, your mother/father/grandma/grandpa who can come to UiTM Shah Alam for treatment. He/She must give commitments through out the sessions until the denture is ready to wear. Seven visits or seven appointments that they have to attend. As it will be made by a dental student, thus the procedure is tedious. Not tedious, but detail I would say. Because we're learning ayy? ;p

Wish me luck! :D
XOXO

The Time.

Surah Yunus, Verse 20:
And they (the unbelievers) say: Why is not a sign (mukjizat) sent to him (Muhammad) from his Lord? Say: The unseen is only for Allah; therefore wait-- surely I too, with you am of those who wait.
SubhanAllah.
The time will come, InshaAllah.
The time where we meet our Lord.
The time where we see the Glory of Allah.
The time where Lord will reveal everything.
The time which is called, afterlife.
The time that we want, which is Heaven.
Heaven, the garden full of bliss.
Thus,
We shall just wait for the time.
We shall just obey what Allah asked us to do.
We shall just worship Allah The Almighty.
We shall just give it all to Him.
We shall be patient.
Because Allah is there, waiting for us too.
We shall wait....
Because the time will come.
And thus, we will all understand.
XOXO

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Sesungguhnya watak kau dalam hidup aku begitu bermakna sekali.
Begitu ianya memberikan impak besar dalam hidup aku.
Hati bahagia, hanya Allah boleh describekan untuk kau.
Supaya kau faham.
Itu pun kalau kau nak tahu.

Tapi....
Aku rasa aku macam watak ekstra dalam hidup kau.
Aku rasa kehadiran aku tak memberi apa makna pun dalam hidup kau.
Aku rasa kau tak sebahagia aku, sebagaimana aku bahagia dengan kau.
Aku sumpah, aku rasa macam itu.

Tapi itu apa yang aku rasa.
Apa yang kau rasa?
Fakta atau auta segala apa aku merapik di atas?

Tapi kenapa aku cenderung untuk memikir yang kau tak layan aku,
Yang kau tak balas mesej aku,
Tak balas segala yang aku buat di alam maya di profil kau,
Kerana kau ada masalah?

Kenapa?

Kenapa aku tak fikir kebenaran yang kau ada di sana apabila aku stress?
Yang kau ada di sana menceriakan hidup aku?
Yang kau ada di sana membuat hati aku berbunga?
Yang kau ada di sana memperbetulkan aku yang terserong marah akan takdir?

Kenapa?

mode: INSECURE AGAIN!
XOXO

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Heart aching...
When I see you down.
When you are in trouble.
When you wailed for help in the inside.
Yet no one can help you.
Because none understands you.

So this is the moment when I hope I have the magic power like Edward Cullen. I hope I can read your mind.
Gaaaah damn cheesy! But its true. Hope you'll be fine.
XOXO

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Daurah.

Hello, good people. I'm on my study week for two Professional Exams. Medical subjects and also Dental Material. We only be given twelve days for study week. I don't know, I think its ridiculously insufficient to revise and memorise all topics back from the first semester. But, InshaAllah, there's hikmah behind all these. I know we (the whole) batch can make it through, although I felt there's some inequality happened between the batches. But that's okay. Really okay.
So last few weeks, one of my pious friend asked me to join daurah. What is daurah? It is like usrah. "Beriman sejenak setelah penat buat perkara duniawi", they said. Or rather, I feel like a slumber party for Muslim girls. There're sleepover, snacks, story telling and others. Besides, this daurah to me, the concept is also like the occupydataran thingy. (Well I am not actually sure how occupydataran works by the way. Sorry if i'll be wrong :O)  They do classes to spread words, tell the people to do what is right, do our right as Muslims, or other word in Malay is berdakwah. Remember how Prophet Muhammad s.a.w berdakwah silently in the cave, to only close relatives and trusted friends? Yeah, some sort like that.
So do you remember in Quran, Allah said that, " And when your Lord said to the angels, I am going to place in the earth a khalif, they said: What! wilt Thou place in it such as shall make mischief in it and shed blood, and we celebrate Thy praise and extol Thy holiness? He said: Surely I know what you do not know." [2:30] Okay, I literally just realized the fact that, each human in this world has a responsibility. Responsibility to be a khalif. Doesn't matter if you're not pious. Its the matter of you spread the rights that you knew, to those who're lost, who're wrong.
In daurah they also said, there're two types of Muslims in this world. First, they know islam but they don't understand islam. Eg: A girl went to Islamic school for 10 years but she ended up party, have free sex, alcoholism and such. Second, they don't know islam but they understand islam. Eg: A three years old Muallaf, he might don't know much but he practiced islam in whatever he do because he understood what islam wants. See the different? So these days, many Muslims fall into the first category. Sad, isn't it?
I admit the fact that I am sometimes fell into that category, but I ain't proud of it. Shame of it? Yes! After join daurah, now I truly understand (not literally) and feel whenever they say, "Find islam!", or "Close to the pious people, thus you'll be in the right path", or anything. Anything that people kept on sharing it on Facebook.
I also know that one day in the afterlife, at the Mahsyar Field, family and friends kept blaming each other for not asking each other to bring/remind each other to the righteousness. They (those who'll be going to the hell) will pull you (those who're save from the hell) or beg Allah to bring you along to hell, because you're not asking them to go to the right path with you. Scary? Yes!
So you know how people kept saying, "Find the sweetness of Iman"? Sweetness of Iman is when you automatically feel, you want more from Allah, you need more from Allah, you miss Allah so much you wake up in the middle of the night to do qiyamullail. MashaAllah, yeah like that.
I am still struggling to have those sweetness of iman.
Just do the ibadah, lillahi taala. Do because of you want redha from Allah. Not because you want people to respect you, not to be proud of what you did, not because you want to be praised. Nay! In daurah they also said, "Your ibadah will turn into powder (debu) if you do the ibadah not because of Allah". So it will fade, wasted just like that. I don't know if we did ibadah because of Allah, our ibadah will turn into a stone or something like that? I don't know, wallahu'alam. Only Allah knows.
At daurah, we read Al Mathurat. Truth to be told, that was my second time reading Al Mathurat. (First time during team building. I even slept during the recitation! Pfft.) Other girls read it so fast, so fluent made me went silent and just read whatever they recite. I thought, I want to read together like that too, I want what they have too. So since that, I put into my to-do list after Fajr prayer, I will inshaAllah, read Al Mathurat. Do you know reading Al Mathurat is so fun? It really is though, you should try.
Finally, I am not trying to show off what I got and what I did, but I just want to share with you my experience. I hope after you read this post, you'll somehow change to a better ones. InshaAllah ameen.

Toodles!
XOXO

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Nothing to be read, really.

Since I have Twitter I abandoned blog. So yeah, if you wanna 'follow' me that much (LOL), you can follow me on Twitter. @sitiamanani
Toodles.
XOXO