Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Daurah.

Hello, good people. I'm on my study week for two Professional Exams. Medical subjects and also Dental Material. We only be given twelve days for study week. I don't know, I think its ridiculously insufficient to revise and memorise all topics back from the first semester. But, InshaAllah, there's hikmah behind all these. I know we (the whole) batch can make it through, although I felt there's some inequality happened between the batches. But that's okay. Really okay.
So last few weeks, one of my pious friend asked me to join daurah. What is daurah? It is like usrah. "Beriman sejenak setelah penat buat perkara duniawi", they said. Or rather, I feel like a slumber party for Muslim girls. There're sleepover, snacks, story telling and others. Besides, this daurah to me, the concept is also like the occupydataran thingy. (Well I am not actually sure how occupydataran works by the way. Sorry if i'll be wrong :O)  They do classes to spread words, tell the people to do what is right, do our right as Muslims, or other word in Malay is berdakwah. Remember how Prophet Muhammad s.a.w berdakwah silently in the cave, to only close relatives and trusted friends? Yeah, some sort like that.
So do you remember in Quran, Allah said that, " And when your Lord said to the angels, I am going to place in the earth a khalif, they said: What! wilt Thou place in it such as shall make mischief in it and shed blood, and we celebrate Thy praise and extol Thy holiness? He said: Surely I know what you do not know." [2:30] Okay, I literally just realized the fact that, each human in this world has a responsibility. Responsibility to be a khalif. Doesn't matter if you're not pious. Its the matter of you spread the rights that you knew, to those who're lost, who're wrong.
In daurah they also said, there're two types of Muslims in this world. First, they know islam but they don't understand islam. Eg: A girl went to Islamic school for 10 years but she ended up party, have free sex, alcoholism and such. Second, they don't know islam but they understand islam. Eg: A three years old Muallaf, he might don't know much but he practiced islam in whatever he do because he understood what islam wants. See the different? So these days, many Muslims fall into the first category. Sad, isn't it?
I admit the fact that I am sometimes fell into that category, but I ain't proud of it. Shame of it? Yes! After join daurah, now I truly understand (not literally) and feel whenever they say, "Find islam!", or "Close to the pious people, thus you'll be in the right path", or anything. Anything that people kept on sharing it on Facebook.
I also know that one day in the afterlife, at the Mahsyar Field, family and friends kept blaming each other for not asking each other to bring/remind each other to the righteousness. They (those who'll be going to the hell) will pull you (those who're save from the hell) or beg Allah to bring you along to hell, because you're not asking them to go to the right path with you. Scary? Yes!
So you know how people kept saying, "Find the sweetness of Iman"? Sweetness of Iman is when you automatically feel, you want more from Allah, you need more from Allah, you miss Allah so much you wake up in the middle of the night to do qiyamullail. MashaAllah, yeah like that.
I am still struggling to have those sweetness of iman.
Just do the ibadah, lillahi taala. Do because of you want redha from Allah. Not because you want people to respect you, not to be proud of what you did, not because you want to be praised. Nay! In daurah they also said, "Your ibadah will turn into powder (debu) if you do the ibadah not because of Allah". So it will fade, wasted just like that. I don't know if we did ibadah because of Allah, our ibadah will turn into a stone or something like that? I don't know, wallahu'alam. Only Allah knows.
At daurah, we read Al Mathurat. Truth to be told, that was my second time reading Al Mathurat. (First time during team building. I even slept during the recitation! Pfft.) Other girls read it so fast, so fluent made me went silent and just read whatever they recite. I thought, I want to read together like that too, I want what they have too. So since that, I put into my to-do list after Fajr prayer, I will inshaAllah, read Al Mathurat. Do you know reading Al Mathurat is so fun? It really is though, you should try.
Finally, I am not trying to show off what I got and what I did, but I just want to share with you my experience. I hope after you read this post, you'll somehow change to a better ones. InshaAllah ameen.

Toodles!
XOXO

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Nothing to be read, really.

Since I have Twitter I abandoned blog. So yeah, if you wanna 'follow' me that much (LOL), you can follow me on Twitter. @sitiamanani
Toodles.
XOXO

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Minda.

Mindaku pelik. Kadang berfungsi laju, kadang lambat, kadang irrasional, kadang logikal, kadang salah, kadang alim, kadang dan kadang.

Aku bertaubat berkali-kali kepada Tuhan supaya diampunkan perlakuanku yang di luar kawalan minda ini. Iaitu menyalahkan takdir. Di bawah kawalan emosi, minda aku bermonolog dengan amarah, tidak puas hati, mengapa diri ini yang terpilih oleh Tuhan untuk menghadapi komplikasi daripada minda yang sebegini.

"Tidak adil!", kataku. Astaghfirullah.

Aku cemburu. Cemburu dengan rakan yang kuat ingatannya. Yang cepat responnya. Kuat kefokusannya. Aku sering ketinggalan, kelupaan dan hanya mampu fokus hanya 180 minit paling lama. Ya, entri ini semata-mata berkenaan aku yang kesal dan geram dengan fitrah mindaku.

Tapi apakah aku peduli dengan mereka yang tidak berfungsi mindanya? Apakah aku peduli dengan mereka yang gagal untuk berfikir secara rasional kerana menghidapi penyakit mental yang kronik? Apakah aku mengerti apa yang mereka rasa? Apa yang keluarga mereka hadapi? Malu? Sedih?

MashaAllah, betapa besarnya kuasa si pencipta aku, sebegini berjaya mengubah pemikiran aku yang ego. Aku yang kerdil ini madah menyalahkan takdir sahaja. Aku tidak bersyukur akan apa yang penciptanya kurniakan. Tidak pernah berpuas hati dengan apa yang dicapainya. Astaghfirullah.

"Ampunilah diri ini, Ya Allah. Alhamdulillah atas segala nikmat dan musibah yang Engkau berikan. KepadaMu sahaja yang mampu aku berserah dan berdoa."

XOXO

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Friday, May 4, 2012

I never felt 'this' kind of insecure before. I was so happy back then. I was so wild and young and free. I live my life like YOLO. I didn't bother to think what other people thought about me. I just don't give a shit. But if I do, i'll forget about it very damn easy. And never look back.

But now I changed. Life from good to bad then to not so good. I don't pray for life like this. Allah gave me. He wants me to learn how to feel insecure. How to not always be proud, think about others who failed a lot when I was in glory, IDK if you got what I meant, but yeah that's that.

XOXO


Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Oh junior. Don't try to be me. There's none part of me that can be 'idol-ed' of. I am such a mess. I am such a failure. My life....so messed up. I stressed out almost everyweek. I may seems happy at the outside. But inside, what am I thinking, my thoughts, all. Me myself don't understand. I'm lazy, i'm not clever, i'm not the student that the lecturer kept worshipping. I'm the student who rebel on most every thing that the lecturer asked me to do. Thinking that I am so good, but the fact is, very obvious i'm lousy, I got no shame whenever the lecturer got mad at me. Ego, I wanna show the lecturer that I am good, I can bear those, I can be better than whatever they said. But apparently, I am no good. I am having too many failures and I don't ask for more.

You know how people usually say Allah won't give the burden that we can't face? And there will always something/hikmah behind all the stresses that we face? And how human always want to do the best that they can? And they said people will never get enough, as in they will never satisfied with what they have? Well, relate all of that and sum up, that is my problem. That is what making me stress every day. I asked and waited what are the hikmah behind all these burdens? When will I ever feel successes? Do I even got a chance? Until when I will face failures? Or are these failures are actually a sign from Allah for me to quit dentistry? Or all of these are the karmas, that I had done bad to people and now it comes to me back?

Ya Allah, give me obvious answers.

Ya Allah, give me strength.

:'(

So junior, be someone else. Erase me from your mind. I am just a bad influence to you. I am not a good role model.

XOXO


Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Community Service.

Somehow, I felt beautiful XD
At Felda Semenchu, Kota Tinggi, Johor.

XOXO